I am a month away from my 31st birthday and internally things haven’t changed much, I feel like a teenage boy that is still eagerly waiting for puberty to kick in. That is a simile by the way and not in any way a representation of my maturity. So I wrote a letter in a journal to my 40 year old self – I know, .. that has cheese written all over it, bare with me a moment.
Over the last
week month, I have been considering doing things that I should already have done by now, grown up things, like significant investments, perhaps buying some property etc. If I am to be completely honest, I am in a perpetual state of ‘pseudo’ near death. That may be confusing, let me explain. I have no real desire to stay alive (not to be mistaken with a desire to die), as such I have never really considered that I would live to be very old. I certainly can’t imagine what I would be doing with my life if I made it to 50.
I feel that I have done, almost all I ever wanted to do, if I found myself in the unfortunate position of heaven forbid being trapped under a bus, taking my last few breaths, I can’t imagine having any real regrets. Is that weird? Is it a bad thing, isn’t that the point of life, to be content enough with your life that you are not constantly wondering ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ and ‘I wish’.
The other slightly more bothersome explanation could be that I simply haven’t set enough goals for my life to feel driven. I covered some of those feels in my where is my why post. The solution to that would be to set more goals and yet the purpose of goal setting, I feel should be so you can achieve something you truly want.
So I wrote the letter (which assumes I will be alive to read it on my 40th 9 years from now). I think that if I am alive at 40 then I would not want to have cheated myself by remaining in my sea of blandness. It was an exercise that turned out to be more eye opening that I had anticipated. It made me turn the light on myself and ask, ok if you want those things for that person you are in the future, what are you doing about it now.
You want to be a published author, well why aren’t you writing now?.
You want to have that cabin in the mountains, how much have you saved towards that?
You want to not be hiding behind a mask, why are you doing it now?
You want to know that your parents knew how much they meant to you, why haven’t you called them in 2 weeks.
You want to be fit and be able to tuck in that dress shirt, then why did you eat that whole box of bourbon creams? BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME!!
Anyway you get the idea.
I wonder if others have had any experience doing this sort of thing. I really want future me to not feel like I screwed them over.